I came clean to some friends recently about the fact that I'm recovering from an eating disorder. They flipped out a little and were very concerned for a few days, and I thought that would be it. Earlier this week one of them asked what was bothering me, and I attempted to explain the "I think I'm fat" thing. It's difficult to explain the irrational... His answer is that I'm "crazy" and need to "just stop and fix it." So now he's making comments about me being crazy, and I feel like I need to justify it to him somehow. Suggestions, insight, perspective, please?

Hey

First of all I want to say that I admire you for 'coming clean' and telling people! It is one of the hardest things to do - I haven't been able to go there even when people ask me so I can't really give you good advice but I hope that things settle between you two - maybe because he is a guy it is harder to understand eating disorders because it is rarer amongst the male population and doesn't know how to react with your best feelings i at heart. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you and isn't commenting on purpose but maybe you should talk to him about it and how it is making you feel.

I wish I had your courage to open up and I hope the situation improves! Sorry my advice isn't really helpful!

Nikki

You were brave enough to tell him about your ED. Good on you. It sounds, however, like you need to be even more brave and tell him how he can support you, and what is not helpful. Either that, or tell him to go to hell and not talk to you about it...

Kate, I just have to tell you, first of all I think it's great that you shared. Second, I read Spender's response and in spite of myself I started to chuckle. I have this vision of sweet, gentle Kate telling the bastard to go to hell and leave you alone about it. It sounds so very empowering, AND, my visual of it just makes me smile. So, hang in there, take care of YOU.

Honestly, I remember reading a list of do's and don't's to my Mom over the phone...pretending I was just going over the whole packet that was given to me by a program I was in. The Do's and Don't's were posted here at one point, not sure if they could be of help or not.

Then there was a girl in one of my partial groups who was writing her own "support manual" if you will. She wrote specifics for specific people and how some people could support her in one way while others could support her in entirely different ways. I loved the idea of it.

I echo the others in saying kudos for telling them about it. It isn't always easy to "come out" and sometimes our friends and family need adjustment time, but good stuff can definitely come of it.

Kaz, I think this is the list you were talking about?




I found these very helpful to share with my husband and for certain friends. It also helps to remember that while people often say the wrong things, their intentions are good.

The thread is here: viewtopic.php?f=53&t=11448

Yeah, that was the list.

Thanks to everyone! I like the idea of a support manual sort of thing (and also that y'all picture me as sweet and gentle ).

We're on break this week, but the next time the subject comes up, I think I've figured out what I'm going to tell him.

It's best just not to comment on my weight. If he thinks I've lost weight and/or look unhealthy, that's one thing. The teasing me by calling me fat or ugly is too much.

Reaffirming how sick/"disgusting" I looked in middle school and ninth grade is a good thing. It reminds me that I don't want or need to go back to that.

Purging and over-exercising just don't need to be brought up. I've moved on from those things and don't want to dwell on them.

Stop talking about my butt! I asked once because he's always talking about girls' butts, but now he brings it up on a weekly basis with the guys. I don't want to know that they are discussing my butt every time I walk away!

If he's worried about me, it's better to talk to me directly rather than talking to the guys about it because that just makes me secretive and resentful.


Okay, I think I'm prepared now. And if that doesn't work, I'll send him the list of do's and don't's. Then I'll tell him to go to hell.

hi.

i think i have quite an experience with this issue. since i got away from the hardcore behaviours and more and more into recovery i have told many people about my ed and my recovery. at first, i would say "i had an eating disorder" probably also to force it upon myself that it had gone. of course i kept relapsing and then i started to tell people because opening up to certain close friends can help overcome that feeling of ambivalence and of leading two lives. and of course, they might support you in many ways. i also told some people just so that my weirdness around food that comes up from time to time doesnt lead to false asumptions but that i come clean by simply saying "yes i had issues with food and i have come a long way now".

ok. your questrion of course was different but i think it helps hugely if you understand WHY you are telling certain things to certain people.
i can talk to my boyfriend about everything. about the stuff i think about my body and about the things that i think about myself and the things that trigger me. but this came about quite slowly (we ve been together nearly 2 years now). and mind you, i dont throw the "ed-vocabulary" (trigger, feeling fat, compentsate, purge etc) at him just like that. i circumscribe them and this helps me a lot to understand why it is that i feel so fat for example. i dont simply go and say "wow i feel fat today" and thats it. becasue as we know its not about the food and the fatness etc. the other day i was struggling and feeling bad and i was ill and i was pushing him away and when he asked me what what was going on i thought for a while and told him "im comparing myself to others all the time. i think somewhere inside there is the notion that im not worth anything. thats why i try to compensate all that with my looks with my grades with by ambition in sprots with other things that have some kind of worth in the society or in my world view. and now that im ill i cant do sports and i cant concentrate on uni etc. thats terribe and i feel -triggered- in this way to compulsorily compare me to others."

ok, so what i want to say with this long and personal storry is: try to get the context. if you care that a certain friend or family member really understands you, be patient and put things into context. start from the not-so-irrational facts that everybody is percieving and follow through to your chain of thoughts and dont forget the feelings that you are feeling. i think my boyfriend cant understand my logic many times but he gets it when i say i feel really pressured or sad or whatever because of this and that which is causing me to be confronted with this or that feeling inside of me. i hope you understand what i mean to say!!!!

and also to mention it: some people just cant really understand what you are going though even if they want to, they misunderstand and misinterprete. you will have to deal with this bit. i find it quite uncomfortable with relatives who i dont see that often and then they are all surprised seeing me eat a full portion or unconvienently mention "wow, i cant remember the last time youve eaten my chistmascookies!". or going out with friends who have some kind of weird body image themselves (but no ed) and the situation gets all awkward when they order the light salad and i order a normal meal. well... those are things that you cant avoid even if you tell everybody about your struggles. and sometimes, telling everybody also provokes these situations.

i still have to say congratulations for telling your friends, that is a huge step! and to summarize all of this (sorry it got so long) : its great you told your friends, my advice to you is to put things into context when you want to go deeper and make them understand but you dont have to. its also ok if you stay like that, or wait until they ask more.

good luck!!

^Thanks, the personal story did help. It's good to hear how someone else has been through the same thing and how it worked out for you. And maybe if I don't try jumping right into the middle of it, he won't think I'm quite so crazy.

I think that Do and Don't list is really helpful for helping family and friends know what to do. I think his response was a little uncalled for and isn't a typical response on should expect. I wouldn't let his response scare you from opening up to your friends and family. I think it's a great thing what you did and hopefully you will find the true friends who will be there for support.