Last visit was: It is currently Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:39 pm


All times are UTC - 4 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: From my Husband
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:37 am 
orange scribe

Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 1:12 am
Posts: 5939
Location: New Zealand
So my wonderful husband was recently asked by a fabulous WBB member some questions about how he knows what I need and responds to what I need, and basically how he copes with my ED... I was so moved by his reply I wanted to post it on here also...

Quote:
We don't understand. This is important: it is not possible for us to understand. The best we can do is come up with some metaphors and hints that lets us make good decisions.

As a simple exercise, try figuring out how you'd explain a colour to someone who can only see in black and white. You can't do it, they have no way of truly experiencing it. If someone else then came to them and said "so tell me about the colour red", they might say "Red is..violent! it's the color of blood! and roses, and so it's romantic, and also stop signs".

Similarly, I could tell you about ED. I could tell you that it makes you want to do things you don't want to do, I could tell you that being told you should "Just eat food" makes you react angrily, that a planned lunch with friends can result in anxiety for a week beforehand and that some foods like chocolate are still usually awesome in small doses.

I could tell you about clinical depression. I could tell you that it's like "feeling down", I could tell you that unlike "feeling down" it doesn't respond to things like hugging puppies or going for a run. I could tell you that clinical depression is long-term, appears to respond best to therapy in combination with medicine, and that the exact combination of medicine that works seems to be hard to figure out.

But for all this telling, I no more understand depression or ED than our poor fellow understands the colour red.

So for all the places where you understand how to act around someone with ED, Your husband and I need a reasonable metaphor or a set of hints, otherwise we don't know how we should act.

We cannot get that list from you. One of the first things we all learn about ED/Depression is that it causes self-harming behaviour. We cannot trust you to give us the hints that govern how we react to that behaviour, because it might lead to something harmful for you. We need to talk to someone else or figure out another way to get those hints.

I wish I had known this early on myself, I managed to get to see serra's counsellors a couple of times and came out frustrated - they seemed to constantly be asking me about my feelings and attempting to resolve whatever recent difficulty prompted trying to see them, but they weren't giving me tools to work with - I didn't come out understanding anything better. If I had known what to ask for - the hints - things might have been better.

In the end I got most of the hints from watching serra help other people with ED. The kind of thing she might try and get away with herself, she would never let someone she cared about get away with. By observing how she acted around them, what she tried to do and what she avoided, I learned how I should act.

At the same time, serra gained some insight into the kind of thing she was putting others through when she let things get too far. This helped her recognise and moderate her own behaviour (along with incredible efforts on her part working with her counsellors etc to give her the tools she needed).

In the end, this means we still can't communicate about ED or depression. I don't, and cannot understand it. I can sympathise with her the same way I can sympathise when she gets a migraine (something else I have never experienced), I can acknowledge her indicators about when she's feeling particularly vulnerable to ED feelings, but to talk about it usefully she talks to her counsellors or friends who have the necessary experience.

What we can do is live in a way that minimises the impact and helps her. In this I can play a major part. I create a peaceful environment at home with the minimum of stress, and when we go out I am her ambassador helping others behave in a way that avoids putting pressure on her. I understand (mostly) how to act in order to avoid engaging with the ED or embarrassing her. And finally, I act as the line of last defense - if she seems to be spiraling I can intervene with confidence.

I have learned I cannot "fix" the ED, there is nothing I can do that will actively help with it. I understand that the best thing I can do is create an environment where the work done by the people that can fix it has the maximum effect.

_________________
this too shall pass

Recovery Boat
My Photos


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:44 am 
orange you prolific
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:45 am
Posts: 3005
Location: Archadia, Ivalice
I enjoyed reading that. I'll get Dan to log on and read it at some point, it's a really good way to see things :)

_________________
Fishbulb wrote:
If I couldn't laugh at my eating disorder, I wouldn't be in recovery


I don't need you to respect me, I respect me,
I don't need you to love me, I love me
But I want you to know, you could know me
If you change your mind


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 1:30 pm 
Wow, thanks so much Richard! If only I could go back in time and show this to my ex...


Top
  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:14 am 
exploring my potential!

Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2009 11:05 am
Posts: 530
wow, its really beautiful of your husband to do that !
very interesting to read too!
thanks for sharing!

_________________
the road goes ever on and on/ down from the door where it began/ now very far the road has gone/ and i must follow if i can.

pursuing it with weary feet/ until it joins some larger way/ where many paths and errors meet/ and wither then?/ i cannot say.


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:43 am 
kismetjeska
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2010 6:03 pm
Posts: 3364
Location: England
Serra, you HANG ON TO THAT MAN. ;)

Brilliantly written- insightful and interesting. Thank you for sharing, and thank you Richard for writing it!


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:12 pm 
galactic orange
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 10:45 am
Posts: 969
Location: Seattle
When I read that on the blog today, I was just amazed by the insightfulness. I am even thinking of printing it out for my roommate and other friends so they can get a better perspective.

_________________
Skills can be taught. Character you either have or don't have.
-Anthony Bourdain


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:32 pm 
orange scribe

Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 1:12 am
Posts: 5939
Location: New Zealand
LWap wrote:
When I read that on the blog today, I was just amazed by the insightfulness. I am even thinking of printing it out for my roommate and other friends so they can get a better perspective.



share share share :)

_________________
this too shall pass

Recovery Boat
My Photos


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:56 pm 
getting under the peel

Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 3:55 am
Posts: 26
Location: México
Thank you for sharing this!


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:31 pm 
SeetherChick wrote:
Serra, you HANG ON TO THAT MAN. ;)



^^^^^ !!!!!


That was fabulous! I'm definately going to save and share that! Say thanks to him for me/us! :)


Top
  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 4:29 am 
feeling out the orange

Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2011 8:00 pm
Posts: 13
It made my day to read this. Beautiful!


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:34 pm 
orange you glad?
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:12 pm
Posts: 1158
Location: Somerset
This made me very emotional. Serra, he's a special one.

_________________
xx Johanna

"Real strength never impairs beauty or harmony, but it often bestows it; and in everything imposingly beautiful, strength has much to do with the magic." - Herman Melville, Moby Dick


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:22 pm 
orange you glad?

Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 8:54 am
Posts: 1471
Location: northern england
That is what i crave fron others in my recovery attempts - that they accept that they're as powerless as i am to stop it all happening, and they can't 'fix it', but its equally imperative that they are just there for you and not distant. A rather fine line we expect people to walk...

what a lovely husband :)

_________________
Just Be.


Top
Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: From my Husband
PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2014 12:18 pm 
post-mod squad
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 1:12 pm
Posts: 3476
wow this is powerful

_________________
"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself"


Top
Offline Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ]  Moderator: post-mods

All times are UTC - 4 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Theme created StylerBB.net & kodeki