Hi all,
I am new to this page and I need some input...

I am a man getting closer to 40, married (unhappy) with children. 4 month ago I met a woman and what started as friends with a shared hobby turned into something more - much more... At first, she just wanted an affair, but I honestly fell in love, which kind of changed plans...
Over the time, we shared our whole life-story and I can say that she knows more about me and I about her than anybody else. So far, so good...
The problem is, that she believes in familiy and does not want to be the reason for me to split up with my wife. Well - she wouldn't be.
AND she has a history - not wanted by her father, not loved, desperatly wanting his attention and looking for it in men. and a history of bulimia. She was "clean" for over a year when we met, but the preassure she puts on herself made it come back.
I honestly love this woman - I found my soul-mate in her - and I think I could give her the stability she is looking for, but she just sees the problems a future might bring.
She tried to run away from us, but she loves me just as much as I love her... Currently, we do not meet, so she does not eat and throw up any more. It seems to work quite well if we do not meet physically, just text an mail. Her current idea is to get "clean" and let it run as an affair for as long as it goes... but deep inside we want more.

I don't know what to do. Do I have to leave the woman I love to help her being healthy? I won't let her die in front of a toilett with a torn stomach because of me. She won't take the step, so I would have to do it for her...
Why the f. can life and love be so cruel??

Hello! Welcome to the forum

Ok, what a complicated situation.

First things first. Are you still with your wife? Because I think if you love another woman you should probably call it a day on your previous relationship. It's not fair to string your wife along.

As far as it goes with the woman you love, I'm a little confused. It is that the bulimia has returned because she's feeling guilty over being "the other woman" or is it because she has a fear of abandonment and worries that you'll leave her later down the line? Or is it a combination of both?

Here's the thing. You leaving her right now won't really fix her problem. Even if at the moment what stops her from purging is not seeing you. If she has unresolved issues and never dealt properly with the bulimia in the first place, chances are at the next stressful point in her life it will return.

You staying with her won't fix the problem either. This has to come from her. Does she see any kind of therapist or counsellor? If you decide to leave your wife and make a go of it with this woman, we can help you to support her in the best way you can

But you're not leaving your kids, you're leaving your wife. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids or that you won't be there for them. It's your duty to put your kids first and make sure they know you love them. It's not your duty to stay in a relationship that is broken and possibly damaging.


But if she leaves you, then that's your problem not hers, surely. Haha she kind of sounds like me here. I have abandonment issues too, and for the first two years of my relationship with my current boyfriend I was trying to build up the guts to break up so I didn't have to do it later on down the line. I got over this by going back into therapy and talking through some unresolved issues. Growing from that and understanding myself and taking a different perspective helped a lot, and now I am perfectly happy in our relationship, without worrying about the "what if's" later down the line.

Also taking it slowly. I wanted to keep things pretty separate because I didn't want to have to stay with Si because I had to, which was the case with my previous long term relationship. We live together now, but we'll probably never have joint bank accounts. We often joke about who would get what if we split. Keeping it down to earth and logical.



What you have to do first and foremost, is look after yourself. It's all very well, when the relationship is new and things are exciting and there are crazy hormones, to feel like your love will overcome anything. But when the excitement dies away and you're in a relationship and back to normality, that's when the problems return. And what often happens is before long, you're the carer and it's draining and you can't cope and then there's resentment and that's when the relationship starts to break down.

It's very tough being in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues. You have to learn that sometimes you won't understand their thoughts and feelings and points of view, but you have to accept them anyway and work around them. You have to look after yourself first, because if you don't, then you'll make matters worse. We often talk on here about putting on the oxygen mask before you help others. It's vital.

Also, she must try and seek help from other places. She must go to the doctor if she wants to overcome this properly. Bulimia is a life threatening illness. It is damaging physically as well as mentally. And you alone do not have the resources to cure her.

If she doesn't want to seek help and go to the doctor, then you can't force her to. That's the other thing about being close to someone with an eating disorder. You can't change their mind, you can't recover for them. Sometimes it's painful and you have to watch while they get worse and you're left feeling helpless because it doesn't matter that you can see what they need to do, if they don't see it, then they won't do it. It has to come from them.

So I guess what you have to ask yourself, is whether you still want a relationship, bearing all this in mind?

Oh dear, you do pick 'em!


Those are questions you can't really answer unless you try out the situation. And only you guys can make the decision.

i guess fate picked us
Thanks Alexandra!

Just to be very clear, WBB is an eating disorder recovery site. We are not really here to give relationship advice, especially on a matter as serious as leaving your wife and children. I encourage you to seek real life support. If you have questions about bulimia, then yes, there are many people here who can give you advice.

Spender pretty much said it.

Coming from a family where my dad had an affair and it ended the marriage between my parents I find this really innappropriate and it upsets me greatly. So much of my trauma comes from that divorce. Your choice is your choice, but this place isn't for this.

ok.
good recovery and best wishes to all.

No, not ok....
I am sorry you suffered in your family, but I spent o few years in a very bad marriage just for my boys and I sacrificed a lot for them and will do so in the future. I NEVER cheated and never planned to do so - I simply fell in love when there was none to have at home...
So don't you dare judging me for what I do.
I did not come here for relationship advice, but for more insight into the soul of a bulimic person - who I happen to love...
Btw: don't bother giving any advice, since she ran away from me. She read my post (I didn't have any secrets from her) and just saw the possibly negative future we might have, not the positive. And of course she did not want to be cause of a trauma in my boys. Now, after all this, she is cause of a trauma in their dad. Of course, that is much better...

I really feel you have no right to get mad at someone for what they expressed. Regardless of a physical relationship - loving someone romantically outside of your marriage is cheating. It just is. And it's not right. NO MATTER WHAT. If the love is gone in your marriage that's a separate issue, and one you should resolve before getting involved - with anyone.

Ummmm, I don't think we specialise in "souls". Without specific questions about how you can support your bulimic friend, we can't help you. And please leave your relationship issues out of here, or I will lock this thread.

Hoping you find your way through.

...

Back to your original question (am I good for her or should I leave?) connected with helping someone with eating disorder recovery, someone has to recover for themselves. A true recovery on her part should be regardless of whether you're there or not... I know that's hard to hear.

I hope you guys work it out.

Sorry to hear this. EDs suck.