WBB ESSAYS
You Are Special - Not Because of Your ED
- Emerald
I am special -
- but not thanks to anorexia.
As I promised Muse a good while ago I would write down some of my thoughts for the essay section. I have no idea if these will be helpful but perhaps it will help some of you see that you are not alone in your twisted thinking.
I am special but not because of my eating disorder. Anorexia does not define me, anorexia makes me look different. But is it good?
I see girls with the same bad perceptions looking at me with eyes of admiration. I feels great, I feel proud.
They see me eat, they see me do fantastic at all my sports and dance classes. They compliment me but I am a liar.
I play the whole charade of trying to pretend that I am naturally this thin.
I feel the guilt of making these girls even more confused of why they don't look like me, the same as other girls have done and still do to me.
It seems like an endless downward spiral with so many more people getting sick.
Then there is the other side, the people who know. The people who can tell, the people who see right through me. The people I love, the people I hate. I feel 2 very strong emotions when it comes to the people who can tell I'm not ok.
Part of me wants to scream "Help me,I'm not ok!" the other part of me is bitter and thinks the shallow thought of "hey I look good, clothes look great on me, mind your own business I don't want your pity."
Then somewhere hidden very deeply, pushed away is my reason. My real self. I sometimes manage to see the bones, the fact that it's scary. I see it more and more and it terrifies me. I am starting to notice that not every fiber of my body wants me to look like a stick figure. These moments are keeping me going. They give me hope even when they upset me.
They make me see that all is not lost.
I am still in there somewhere.
I decided to think about what I can do apart from not eating and pretending I have fantastic self control.
Does eating take away your other talents?
NO!
Does eating take away your muscle tissue, strength and sense of rhythm?
NO!
Does eating cause osteoporosis?
NO!
Does eating with a healthy mind make you unhappy?
NO! Not if you're completely honest with yourself. We are all designed to enjoy food.
Does anorexia do all these things? Does it make your present and future life impossible?
Yes. It does, if you don't see that yet. It will come.
Of course this all sounds so simple and harsh. I don't even want to admit to myself that it is true. The only possible truth.
But think about it, you have talents. If they don't pop up in your mind right away take some time to think about it. If you have no hobbies, find some.
Discover what you like to do. Discover something you're good at, something that will make you feel special apart from the disorder.
It will help. It certainly does for me. We are equal. You too will make it.
- Emerald
