WBB ESSAYS
Tough Love - Eating Disorders are Depressing
- anonymous
Let me give you the story from the other side.
I had been together with my boyfriend for one year and seven month, till his depression took such a high toll on him that he didn't want to see me as much anymore. He said that being around me made him feel like he was forced and had to pretend. He didn't like it and he felt much better alone, but I was so scared of leaving him alone, scared he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't get out of bed and stay there all day, wouldn't shower (really, I had to tell him to do it!)
So in the end we decided we would take some sort of break. That didn't work really well because I still expected hugs and kisses, not much, but still. Then he felt uncomfortable sleeping next to me because he didn't feel like he was entitled or allowed to be my boyfriend anymore, seeing as he didn't behave like he was my boyfriend. Then he once spoke to me and said simply that there was no more us because he wasn't able to make the "boyfriend-effort" anymore.
I cried my eyes out, I was completly... destroyed.
But then, he sort of became better. He would eat three meals a day again. He started working again recently, and reading things for his master grad.
I saw it happening and started to hope we'd be together again soon. So I wrote him a letter that I didn't want a relationship again with him right now, but I wanted it in the future.
He recently gave me his answer - letter in which he explains that he feels so much better, that the depression is "going better", that he is almost cured of his obsessive thoughts about his ex, that he has a lot of work to do now he's not so depressed anymore. That all his feelings cleared up, except for those he had for me. That everything in his heart grew again except me.
He also told me that even though there were a lot of things that he loved about me, a few things were missing, a few capital things that he can't even describe or name (which I think is a very lame excuse). So, it was settled that he couldn't have a relationship anymore because of those things. And that because he had forced himself into this relationship so long because he WANTED to make it work, that was what made him depressed, because he didn't "listen to his heart".
Now, the real truth.
He thinks all this, because there is noone there anymore like I was there to confront him with his thoughts, but all the same, there is noone to take over his life.
That's a big problem with all couples with issues. One deals always better than the other, and takes the over the responsibilities of the other - like cooking, showering, getting up in the morning etc. That does make them depressed, because you take away that control that they so dearly need over small, unimportant aspect that then becomes very important.
In my experience, relationships with people with issues doesn't work. You are always marrying someone and their issues. Someone with depression won't necessarily "understand" someone with an eating disorder just because both have problems. They cannot understand because they don't live through the same... it always has a breakpoint, unless both get past their issues.
My advice to those with eating disorders trying to keep your relationships - you need to get rid of the eating disorder. Only then will you be able to love him as a woman, not as a patient or disease sufferer.
I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but I don't want to lie to you.
- anonymous
