WBB ESSAYS
Socializing is Vital to Recovery...
... But How Do You Do It?
Advice as to how to go about it? Hmm. I'm not qualified to give any sort of 'general advice', but I'm happy to talk about my own experiences.
I was living in a 'residential hall' at university when I became really sick. I had people around me constantly. But I shyed away from them. Worse than that, I actively HID. People used to try to come to my room and ask if I'd join them for dinner (we had communal meals). Some nights the thought of facing people was so dreadful I'd lock myself in my room with the curtains drawn and the lights out, hoping that people would believe I wasn't there. More often, I'd just leave the hall and go visit my auntie, go to the library, whatever.
I wasn't completely antisocial. I gravitated towards people so fucked up that they wouldn't mind whether I was eating or not. Eventually I started pushing them away, too. Conversations were shallow and pointless. I'd forget what I was saying and drift off into lala land.
I have one person I'm really grateful for. My cousin took me out to coffee everyday, despite the fact that she a) was in no way obliged to do so and b) I drifted off mid-sentence and stared at random spots on the floor most of the time. We joke about it now, but I really am so grateful.
I'm sure my family were worried about me, but at the time I couldn't possibly believe that. They admit now that they really had no idea how bad it was.
I was so lonely. I wanted, I needed company, yet I rejected it. I actively pushed it away. I still have regrets and painful memories concerning this.
The turn-around for me would have to be TELLING PEOPLE I wasn't ok. We had a 'floor barbecue' at which everyone ate sausages in bread and I ate an enormous pile of salad. I was wearing new (tiny) jeans. That day, a couple of the girls who I lived with actually came up to me and said, "You look really thin. Are you eating?"
I could have continued to deny anything was wrong. I could have said, "It's none of your business." But what good does that do anyone? Determined not to come across as some weak little child in total denial, I said, "I'm not ok. I am seeing a doctor and a psychologist, and I'm trying to get better."
A few people were scared off by this admission. But several of the girls tried to come up with ways they could help. My dietician, when I first saw her, said she didn't care if I went to the dining hall and only ate vegetables, I had to start interacting with people socially again!! One of these girls had a similar suggestion: "Amy, would it help if I come pick you up before meals? No pressure, you can sit there and eat only lettuce if you want, but... the social aspect will be good."
The idea terrified me, but I was grateful.
You have to really push yourself to interact with people again. I know it's difficult, but as your perception of yourself grows and changes, your expectations of others will too. I used to expect people to dislike me unless I did something extraordinary. Now I've realized that people aren't programmed to hate one another without good reason. Dislike is the EXCEPTION, not the rule. I go into situations assuming people will like me.
Honesty was the key for me. I couldn't have made friends and developed relationships whilst still lying to 'protect' my disorder. Even now, I can't create relationships without being honest about my past. I told my new flatmates about my past eating disorder because, well, I wanted them to know. It explains a big chunk of my life. It explains a lot about me, and it means I don't have to hide that like some 'dirty little secret' which I'm ashamed of.
- Amy
