WBB ESSAYS
Not Anymore
- by Vicky Ann (read her myspace and blog)
"I have to throw up tonight," I think as the trampoline springs my body above the eyes of twenty eight class mates.
It wouldn't be the first time.
"I ate too much at lunch, again". I gave my lunch away.
I'll stay for after school aerobics "I need to anyway. How can I do anything looking like this?"
"I won't eat I won't eat. I won't eat." The second the bell rings, bars of chocolate from my bag are devoured but not digested.
Everyone knew I ate a lot of sweets, "You must throw up," they joke. If they read my diary, disguised in Italian, they would know it was true; everyday, every time I put something passed my lips; every time I spoke and should not have.
Ten years of hiding and crying alone; reaching out and fighting to find something/someone to take this all away. When I believed no one was there, I told myself I could do it in my own; "There is nothing wrong with my body" I chant in my head. Focusing on the physical drew the disorder back, now……
My hair falls out; it's embarrassing.
Acne fills my face; It's painful.
Debt takes my pay check; it's swallowed my life.
I'm hurting; it's shameful.
Breaking that barrier breaks the silence.
I don't feel like the people walking down the street.
I don't feel like the people on the bus.
I can't see me the way they can.
But I want too and I will. Bulimia does not rule my life. I don't have to do this alone.
