WBB ESSAYS
Eater's Manifesto
A baby's hand grasps and grabs before it knows how to let go, and it is in that visualization that I have found my struggle. It's so much easier to hold than to release, and I am proudly evolving the musculature to release myself from this paradigm of existence.
When I arrived at Treatment, I had lived through two decades of trauma surrounding food and weight and had fallen victim to others demands and messages. In an attempt to empower my hips and thighs, I withered under the rule of those who supposedly had my best interest in mind. I grew up in a culture that was trying to sell me self worth and I was so hungry from starving so long that I ate it all up.
I set off on a journey that went against every value I hold. I transformed myself for others into something socially and culturally appropriate.
Not anymore.
From this day forth, I agree to feel the pain of my past, but to no longer be my own abuser. I have suffered enough at the hands of both others and myself, and I agree to welcome my emotion and pamper myself when I am feeling intensely, instead of continuing the cycle. I agree to be brave, courageous and also to break down lean on others. I agree to use people as the pillars from which to support my recovery.
I agree to trust myself and acknowledge my intuition as my gospel and to never forget that I am the authority on my life.
I agree to bask in my knowing.
I hereby agree to revel in my humanity and do the very things necessary to support its livelihood. I agree to love with my whole heart unapologetically. I agree to stand at the edge of the cliff and not only to sit amidst, but dance in the fire surrounded by friends. I agree to have no apologies.
From this day forth I agree to embody my own beliefs that I hold so steadfast for others and never sacrifice myself to fit what another might consider good or better or appropriate. I agree to speak my mind when my voice shakes, to cry when I'm hurt, to scream when I'm angry, to sing when speaking cannot express my joy, and to dance when words fail my truest expression. I have worked myself into an oblivion attempting to prove my right to inhabit this world, when my mere existence should have sufficed. I have always been enough just as I am. I agree from this day forth to feel entitled to my life, my voice, my body and my food.
I agree to exist as counter culture within the diet ravaged society that I am forced to contextualize myself in. I agree to grapple with the tough questions. How is that I have reconciled an eating disorder with a strong feminist selfhood?
Why is it that the standard I hold for others falls away when I stand in front of the mirror?
I agree to keep questioning what the difference is between personal and political activism. What does it mean to effect change from within, and is this in opposition to without? Is personal liberation as important as political liberation? I have come to believe it is.
So, I commit and agree to "regress" in part from a life of political activism and work for radical change within something that will be the most prevalent in my life beyond laws and beyond labels. I can return to the very beginning and work from the source. I can be me. I promise to be me.
The personal is political, and the political is personal.
The time has come for me to put my food where my mouth is.TwistedBarbie aka Rachael Lauren Stern
