WBB ESSAYS
What to Expect With Recovery Weight Gain
- by Luna
Recovery is difficult, especially when it involves weight gain for people like us who are so obsessed with weight. The weight gain is normal, so is feeling like not wanting to be in recovery anymore. This stage could last for a month or half a year, but it passes if you stick to recovery.
The first weight gain is not indicitive of what you will look like forever. Your body will change again and spread out the weight into the muscles and organs and bones and BRAIN. Some of us find that after 6 months to a year in recovery our tummies are more firm at a higher weight than they were at a lower weight. Some of us find that the shape that the muscles take on after prolonged proper nutrition is much nicer than bone thinness. And still some of us find that if we ever want to be happy, we might as well do it now before the aging process takes over because this is as good as it gets.
As for not knowing why you don't feel like you are worth anything or who you are, well that is part of the ED. Who are you without the ED? What are you worth if your only referance of worth is in disorder? You know living in ED land was never enough anyway. What makes you think that going back will be different? Whether we are emaciated or normal or even just below normal, we can't see reality. You have more of a chance of learning and loving reality if you stay in the process of recovery than if you revert to obsessional self-destructive behavior.
Your ED is talking nonsense to you saying, "I will let you be happy if you are thin enough." There is no such thing as thin enough. You know that. ED is a liar. Don't listen.
And your binge obsession is also so normal. And it will pass. After prolonged starvation the signs you are showing are just natural to a body struggling to repair despite what your mind thinks it should be doing. I find in myself that when I constantly have an appetite (and pretty much all the other times too) I do not restrict. I eat every 2-4 hours, reasonable portions. Restriction just makes cravings worse. You don't have to give in to binging, but a caloric intake of between 2000-3000 is not binging if it is spread out and nutritious.
Writing this gives me the opportunity to remind myself that my perception is screwed up. Sometimes my thoughts are just plain WRONG. There is no shame in that. Just something else that is normal among us and can improve with time.
